I've been listening to Jennette McCurdy's reading of her own book, and it resonates with me to a degree that honestly makes me a tiny bit uncomfortable.

I realize that self-awareness is not very... Intuitive, as the wording I'm looking for escapes me. People don't always have a level of self-awareness that would be expected normally. In some cases, people have to be taught how to recognize themselves and what they do. It's separate from a theory of mind, which is recognizing that people other than yourself are present. I wouldn't even know what term to use to describe such a phenomenon, but it is intriguing nonetheless.

November 12th, 2024

I realize that there are very few people in my life that would ever reach out and check up on me. At the same time, if those people were to reach out to me, I don't know if I would actually share the truth of how I feel. I think I've found myself in a situation where I don't necessarily trust people with my thoughts and feelings despite how open I usually tend to be about absolutely everything else. In the case of those that I do know would reach out to me, I have to apologize because I think I've treated them poorly. The people who tend to show me the most care also tend to be the ones who bring the most drama into my life, whether it be due to my own mishandling of situations or their own. Regardless, I think my tendency to keep to myself is simply symptomatic of a larger problem. At this point in time, I genuinely still don't believe that the typical type of therapy I used to have is going to be useful to me. Unfortunately, I would need a different type of therapy to help me, but I wouldn't know where to start. My insurance likely wouldn't cover anything, so I don't think I'd actually have the money that I would need to be able to take part in it.

I find that the level of depression I experience now varies. Sometimes, I don't feel anything negative. Sometimes, I don't feel anything positive. Sometimes, I don't feel anything. Even so, I'm still trying my best to keep up with what I can. I'm still working on my dreams, no matter how slowly they move forward. I'm looking forward to some developments that may finally be happening with an idea that I had over a year ago. It's still likely a ways from completion, but at least things may be moving forward again.

My depression comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I'm feeling completely fine, and then like actual waves at the beach, I get hit with it. It goes away as quickly as it appears, almost as if my body were fighting against it, but just as quickly as I finally get to relax, it comes right back. I know for a fact that it isn't anxiety anymore. This one is just straight up depression. A strong lack of energy, and a lack of will to force myself to do many things. Brushing my teeth? I don't get gingivitis, so that can wait another day. Showering? My armpits are the only thing that really develop any sort of stink, so I can just throw some rubbing alcohol on that. My hair? I mean, as long as I can resist scratching it, then there shouldn't be any visible signs of a lack of washing. Time spent doing things that I'd like to do? Why do that when I can just sleep and hope that the next day is better? I recognize all my thoughts and all my emotions. I have no difficulty processing them most of the time, understanding why I feel the way I do, if there's any reason at all. I'm just in a position where I can't do much about it to solve it. Time is slowing down again, and days are feeling much longer despite night falling much sooner with daylight savings. Maybe seasonal depression is coming on? I need a hug.

I also notice that I often feel alone. I don't always go out of my way to self-isolate. I just happen to not be at the top of very many people's lists. If I make good friends with one person, and we happen to meet someone new at the same time, there's a good chance that my good friend will be the one that they try to become closer with, while I get left in the dust. It's a common theme in my life so far. It isn't that I don't try, either. People often just aren't very interested. I've shared this view with some of the people that I've found this with, and they've also happened to notice the same thing. They aren't sure why it is the way that it is, and they also happen to think that it isn't fair. That's reassuring to some extent, but it doesn't solve the problem. Maybe the person that I am is just wholly uninteresting? It's most likely the reason that I try so hard to be funny, and why I go out of my way to say things that are out of pocket in hopes of coming off as interesting to others. My usual quiet self isn't very good for encouraging social interaction.

I'm very tired again. Maybe I'll skip tonight as well?

End.